My 13 year old dog was yesterday put to sleep, will I ever find peace ?

Yesterday my 13 year old white retriever sonny was put down. I had him since I was 14 years old he was our family dog. Even though I got my own place he stayed at my mums and I would go up every day just for him. For the last 18 months he had started struggling with his back end. He probably hadn’t been on a walk since august which is 7 months ago. I wanted to keep him inside to avoid any risks over the winter. He was very alert and strong in his mind and front legs especially but his back end was letting him down. Sonny had to have puppy pads to lay on because he was leaking pee and would poo, due to struggling back and not being able to notify us when he needed to. But if took him to the garden he sometimes could control it. Every night either me or my mum would sleep on mattress in my mums front living room to be with sonny as he barked a lot when on his own and maybe was scared. I took him outside and washed him at least 6 sometimes 7 days a week depending to make sure he was clean and wasn’t laying in his pee everyday and then would air dry him and towel dry him depending. For the last few days he was having stomach problems, bloated, hard stomach and coughing up white foam and very u settled Sonny yesterday looked so out of energy and actually wouldn’t even eat his slice of toast. I called the vets immediately and got a booking. I carried him to the car. And then He actually walked to the vets when we was there. But then stopped at the door and I had to carry him to the vets room when called upon. When we was in there the vet checked him over and realised his stomach problem. He was sick with white foam again which wasn’t good to see. She said if we took him home his stomach was a chance of flipping or twisting. And could either get him to Hospital and undergo so many tests. But may not survive and didn’t want him to be on his own if that was the case. She also said if we took him home there’s nothing she could give sonny to get better immediately which then the slipping and twisting of the stomach was likely which could cause fits and seizures. The time came to put sonny down. His vains was collapsed showing he was struggling bad with something. Even about 10 seconds before the injection, sonny found the energy and effort to give me the final last paw. He died peacefully with his head in my arm. Sonny was truly my best friend and made me so happy.

I am so heart broken and in so much pain right now, I know it will last a long time but if anyone could ... (more)